Grown up Santa Letter

My sister sent me this link http://www.wtv-zone.com/LadyBoheme/dearsanta.html for a grown-up mad lib of a Santa letter. Here are my results

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl.
It really wasn't my fault what happened at Mrs Respiratory Therapist's Christmas party. It was Mars who spiked the punch with too much rum. I can't help it if I drank 13 glasses. It was so good---smelled and tasted just like cow dung.
I thought it was funny when I put Mrs Respiratory Therapist's shirt on my head and danced the chicken on the couch while singing `lost that loving feeling'. I didn't mean to break Mrs Respiratory Therapsit's cell phone and don't know why Mrs Respiratory Therapist would sue me for shop lifting.
I don't remember calling Dirky's wife a funny sheep---even though she looked like one with purple eye shadow and pink lipstick!
And when I threw up on T's husband's arm, it was only because I ate too much of that cracker.
After all that fun, I admit I was a little tired. So I fell asleep on my way home and drove my mustang through my neighbor's bedroom. I don't think that was any reason for my neighbor to call me a silly chipmunk and have me arrested for jay walking!
So, Santa...here I sit in my jail cell on Christmas Eve, all furious and feisty. And I'm really not to blame for any of this flirty stuff. Please bring me what I want the most---bail money!
Sincerely and suspiciously yours, The Matriarch (Really a nice girl!)
P.S. It's only 75 bucks!