end of 8th grade

Today is my son's last day of 8th grade.  Middle School has been rocky.  There were a few bright spots.  I received this email last year from my son's teacher.  I need to hold on to the positive.When you have a child who is different or has issues, you don't really receive much positive feedback. I had  one year that the only feedback I received was a behavior notebook with negative behaviors. Talk about feeling like a horrible parent and asking yourself every day why do I bother to send him. I have to say that at middle school and all the various behavior programs my son has been in, I consider these teachers awesome and amazing. I just wanted to share this positive email I received. Here is a portion of the email:

Heather,

C had such a great math class today.  He brought me to tears. After some math bingo with integers, Mr F started on his " number 9" speech. He tells them that no one is a perfect 10, but they are all a 9. He then moved into talking about his childhood, suffering from severe skin disease, and being put down by kids, picked last for baseball, etc. Some students wrote positive messages on the whiteboard/chalkboard, and C asked if he could erase a portion of the board and write a positive message. C wrote this, " Strength is not judged by your weight but by your heart." I don't know if he made that up or it was a quote that he's heard before. Additionally, he noticed he'd spelled weight incorrectly and corrected it. Mr F was in awe at the heartfelt message. The next part is what is so awesome: C then asked if he could move up front, sit in Mr F's stool, and tell everyone something. It was such "C" moment. I'll paraphrase what he said as I don't remember all the exact words. He said that none of us knows what we'll be in the future, but we are important and someone special. He explained that when he was at a certain school, he was made fun of, called names, and felt bad about himself but that it's improved since then. All the kids were in awe, as were Mr F and I.  .........Then Cody sat down and asked to sharpen his pencil. All in a day's work for C.

I don't know what the future holds for this child.  We just keep plugging along. We are about better living through adversity.

What is in a Label?

April is Autism Awareness Month. I thought I would share part of my son's story here in case someone else in the same situation of their child being possibly being mislabeled ADHD. A couple weeks ago I took my oldest child(12 years old) to Children's Autism Clinic. in Seattle. We had waited 6 months for this appointment. The long and short of this is that we don't know if my kid has Asperger's even after our appointment. It is complicated. Isn't that the story of my life? It complicated that he has some well established labels with symptoms that overlap with one and another. We have been calling this ADHD and later ADHD with anxiety for long that is all we saw. Like many people, our general pediatrician managed our son's ADHD. Our son had been labeled ADHD since Kindergarten. It wasn't until 4Th grade that we knew we couldn't hobble along like this with our son. 3rd grade was to put it bluntly a nightmare. We hired a Psychiatrist and then a Therapist for our son. Some of the insightful specialists that #1 son see said we need to look into this further. Things aren't adding up and he isn't responding to his treatment in a typical way. That is how we ended up at Children's. So now, we need to wait another 3 to 6 months to see a clinical psychologist. This specialist is going to make the definitive decision is this Aspergers or not- maybe.

Part of me is WHY BOTHER? and even LARGER PART says, " What if we have been looking at this ADHD/anxiety all wrong?" You find yourself questioning," What if we had known he had Aspergers in 1st grade? Would we have done anything different? Is he mislabeled?" I just don't know. That is the honest answer. These long waits for appointments just give me time to ruminate. It would be lovely not to second guess yourself.

Labels in my son's world guarantee services that he will or will not receive from school. He is in Middle School and his current labels have garnered him some protections in Middle School. He is fully mainstreamed and has no academic accommodations. He does attend 1 behavior class and has access to behavioral teacher whenever he needs her. I really can't say enough positive things about the individual teachers who have really worked to make it a successful year for him. Some of them were a complete surprise like the gym teacher. Despite and because of his abilities, he is doing OK and really great academically. He is excelling academically on the honor roll but not excelling in his personal relationships. In so many ways he has proven me wrong. By the way, Middle School is hard on parents too.

Changing my son's label/diagnosis will not grant him additional accommodations in Middle School. The only reason to bother with getting this evaluation is because anything that opens a door or window into knowing what is in my son's world makes it worth it. Anything that improves his quality of life, I want to do that thing. I want him to know that his abilities are gifts and not crutches. I want him to live his best life. I want him to be successful in the real world. Isn't that what all parents hope for? Somehow from that perspective, the labels don't matter. Because the only important label is son.

Communicating with Parents

***I wrote most of this back in Oct and I been a little hesitant to post this. I had a week last week and thought this would be a good topic to revisit. I want to say right off , I think Teacher's have the hardest job and I really appreciate them. Kids with difficult behaviors stretch parents to the limit and Teacher's too. School systems aren't really set up to handle difficult kids. I admit 100% that I haven't been the best communicator due to the circumstances. This is just a little bit of my experiences and I hope it helps a parent out there.

I think the title of this post should be "How teachers/administrators/specialists can do a better job of communicating with parents of a child with difficult behaviors." I am having a huge communication break down with one of my son's school which is actually led me down a path I really don't want to go. I am really really going try this week to be a better communicator with them and see if we can work together for my student.

Things that get my panties in a wad

The Number 1 thing that makes me not want to communicate with school is if I go to a meeting to talk about my child and I am ambushed. People are invited that I didn't know were going to be there. I cannot count the number of times I have gone to a meeting to JUST talk to the teacher and an administrator, counselor, resource room teacher,principal have also shown up. I don't mind going to meetings if I know they are going to be there. It really creates a parent versus the school mentality.

Don't tell me a misdeed days after it happened. This really torks me off. I can't perform damage control if I don't have the information. My kid certainly is not going tell me he messed up. He is a kid. I REALLY DISLIKE getting a principal referral slip in the mail on a Saturday when I can't speak to anyone about it. Especially when I am there every day after school even on the day that the student was sent to the Principal's office.

Don't hide the misdeed from me. I will find out usually from the most busy body parent.

Failure to document the misdeed. I always find this funny as school are notorious for generating lots and lots of paperwork. I need to know how it all went down. I actually need to know who is at fault. Especially if your student has perception problems about the event in question.

I really hate suggestions where you don't have to do anything. Right up there is having conference after conference just to cover your butt. Talk is cheap.

I don't need the teacher, the aide, the administrator, janitor, school secretary, other parents all telling me that my student messed up. I usually get the first message. I am really good like that. On the same spectrum, my child doesn't need his misdeed broadcast all over the school. My student is already an outcast and doesn't need really need to add public embarrassment to that as well.

Please don't have a behavior notebook that only documents negative behaviors. I am pretty sure parents with kids that have difficult behaviors think they have failed. This is a feeling that I deal with on a regular basis. I know that isn't true but hearing constant negative things about your child really can wear on you. Especially if the feedback every single day is something negative. I have a 3rd grade notebook that pretty much documents my son's year in hell (well, that is how it looks in that notebook anyway.) There is really no support system for a parent who has a child who is constantly misbehaving.

I hate the question, " Do you have any ideas on how we can stop (insert behavior)?" No, I don't have the magic answer. I don't think there is a parent in the world who wants their kid to misbehave at school. I think bad behavior is rarely so black and white as to say if you do this, this won't happen. Help is rarely on the way. Behaviors rarely change overnight even with good intervention. Changing negative behaviors takes time. Though I always imagine a Knight on a white horse showing up with the answer. Believe me if I could find a way to prevent every bad and negative behavior I would be a millionaire.

Things that really work in communicating with parents (In my humble parenting opinion)

A drag sheet or point sheet that has to be signed daily with negative and positive comments. Yes, even in the worst situation we can find a positive comment to make about a child. Sometimes it is the little victories that add up. Kids with difficult behaviors also usually have pretty low self esteem. Below is one of my children's point sheet. I really like this format because I can also comment back and I know when the event happened if the Teacher didn't comment. The headings at the top are Staying on task, Following Directions, Interacting appropriately with others, personal goal, homework, bonus points, comments and initials. I don't have an example to show but I have received sheets that have had bonus points and negative points in the same day.



Documentation would be nice of when, where, and how the bad behavior happened (the experts I have to share information with need this - Is medication wearing off at a certain time? Is PE causing anxiety? etc) A lot of time behaviors are about patterns and triggers and if we study the patterns we can alter the behavior. I have had to talk to lots of experts and I really really don't think Teacher's understand how important it is to share the patterns if any of them exist. I can't tell you HOW many times I have been asked does always happen during this part of the day or during reading . OR do you know what happened before that? I don't spend the majority of day with my student so I really can't share this information. I know this puts a unfair burden on Teachers but documentation is really worth it.

It really important to give parents a safe place to share information/comment either in email,note or on drag sheets/point sheets. Sometimes parents need to share information without being judged on their parenting skills. As you can see on the point sheet above, I commented back to the Teacher. With this teacher, I either comment on the point sheet or email when questions or situations arise.

Parents need to be clear on the communication expectations(are we doing daily reports/weekly reports) and getting all the information. The nature of bad behaviors seem to indicate that kids aren't the best reporters on their behavior.

My kid is high maintenance. I will be less high maintenance if I have information.

It is really hard as a parent to hear bad things about your child. Sometimes it is just too much information and things get lost in translation. Really speak directly and specifically about what you need that parent to do and what steps the child needs to take to rectify the situation. It is just like my Mama use to say, "It isn't what you say but how you say it."

Things Parents can do to improve communication

Be respectful - It is too easy to fly off the handle when you already in the pressure cooker with this kid. Realize that bad behavior is just bad behavior not a bad kid. Don't make yourself the reason the lines of communication shut down. It is not the teacher's fault your child is behaving badly. In other words, "Don't kill the messenger."

Check in often with the teacher. You don't need to be a pest but know what is happening in that classroom. Never ASSUME that all is well. Boy, don't I know that one.

You are your child's best advocate. You know them the best. However, that doesn't give you permission not to hear negative things.

Make sure you share the positive things that are happening for your child.

It is not the Teacher's job to provide therapy for you or your child. Teacher's have a really hard job and don't get paid nearly enough for that. Seeking professional help for your child is not a sign of weakness it is being a good advocate for your kid.

**I read somewhere that school is the worst place for ADHD/ADD child to be. I have to agree.

My other ADHD posts are here and here

IEP thoughts

After doing my ADHD post I received such a positive response. I thought I would go ahead and post this. Today was my son's IEP (individual education program) meeting. My oldest has had one of these IEP's since preschool. He is now in 6th grade and 11 years old. He will be transitioning to middle school next year. When a school system (district) decides that a child needs services a evaluation is conducted and IEP is drafted up. The IEP has specific goals that are written in it as well as who will provide the services to reach that goal. It is a contract of sorts. Today I will go again and advocate for my son. When I stared the evaluation process for my son, he was 4 years old. Many times I felt in the dark about the process. At that 1st IEP meeting there were no less than 10 people present and the first meeting resulted in denial of services. I had no idea on what I was walking into nor how to advocate for my son. I felt completely defeated, mislead, and alone in my concern about my son. I have learned a few things after 9 or so IEP meetings, I always cry. I can't help myself. It is really hard to hear negative things about my son. These things always make me feel like I have failed. I know that isn't true but deep down I feel that. Secondly, talk is cheap. We can all talk about my son but show me by your actions what you are doing for my son. Lets talk about what we can do not what isn't possible. Thirdly, I am there for my son not the school district, therapist, or teacher. I am not there to make things easier by not making you do the job that you are tasked to do. I really don't care where the funding comes from or how many kids you have to service. I am there to ensure that my son receives services or a free and appropriate education (FAE) Fourth, the ideal school setting for me is not the ideal school setting for my son. How I was educated is vastly different from how they do it now a days and what worked for me is probably not going to work for my son. I have to leave my feelings about my education outside that meeting. Fifth, the parent is part of the team. Parents are allowed to make suggestions and request that certain things be removed from the record. The parent is the only person in that meeting that is an expert on that child. I did in fact have something not included in my son's very first evaluation because I believed the evaluator inserted her personal prejudice into her report. I frequently ask them to reword or include certain things. I won't sign an IEP that I don't agree with or is not factually accurate. Lastly, keeping a binder will all the important evaluations/old IEP's is extremely helpful when questions arise at the meeting. This binder has my child's picture on the front because when I started going to these meetings he wasn't present. I want everyone to know and see who we are talking about. Many times some of the people present will not have met the child. I have yet to meet a school psychologist in my son's current district that has actually met him (a whole different post)I want them to remember who they are deciding for. I believe my experience with IEP process is average. I have had been at IEP's that have been adversarial and IEP's where my son was granted services that I didn't expect him to receive. Today was a good day and a good IEP meeting.

ADHD Awareness Week

This week is ADHD awareness week. There are some great links there. I don't blog about this topic much but ADHD has been at our house for a while and definitely not as a welcomed guest. ADHD is right up there with breast feeding in polarizing parents. The thing is that a child breast feeds or bottle feeds for a short time and no one can recognize in 1st grade whether the child has been breast or bottle fed but everyone can see ADHD. Nothing will get you judged on your parenting faster than having a child that has behavioral problems. As a parent of a ADHD child, I have been judged, shunned, and offered unsolicted advice. There is a certain school in my neighborhood that I literally get a panic attack when I walk into their office. I can only imagine how that feels for my son. I still have nightmares about 3rd grade for my son. I don't know what is worse the ADHD or the way people react to a kid with ADHD.

Things I would like people to know about this unwelcome guest ADHD

Try not to judge parents(this is a biggie) I have found that parents with ADHD kids have exceptional parenting skills but they are facing a uphill battle . It usually isn't a lack of parenting skills that are causing the ADHD. These people are in the trenches. Cut them a break.

Teachers can help by actually communicating with the parent. I don't need to find out a misdeed days after it happened. Chances are the child isn't the best reporter on their behavior. We got to work together. You got to give me information so I can make good decisions for my child. I do really need all the information. I don't need you working behind the scenes to undermine me. No one wants to hear bad things about their child but glossing over the problem doesn't help. Can you tell this a pet peeve with me? This actually deserves it's own post.

ADHD is not a free ticket to misbehave or not live up to your potential. Bad behavior is bad behavior and unacceptable whether or not you ADHD or not.

School won't solve ADHD. I read somewhere that for a child with ADHD that school is the worst place for them to be. Schools are not set up to deal with kids outside of the box. That is where parents have to be great advocates for their kids. ADHD is often accompanied by learning difficulties, bipolar, depression, and anxiety.

ADHD can only be managed there is no cure. There is no medication, therapy, nutritional supplement that can cure ADHD. What works for one child who has ADHD may not work for another. That is the crazy subjectiveness of ADHD.

Don't go this journey alone with your child. You need great support. I was lucky to have a great friend who help me start on this journey(thanks Carol), exceptional advocate OT, a fab 4th grade teacher who led us to a great program for our son, a psychiarist who really gets it, family that listened, and countless others who have cheered us on.

I am so lucky to have my ADHD child in my life. I learned so much about myself both good and bad. My kid has great gifts that I really hope someday others will see too.